We all have a routine of what is “normal”. We may not like what normal is, or our normal may be very un-normal for others, but we all have a normal. I lost my normal in 2010.

I was told very early on in rehab that I would have to accept that the old normal was gone, and I would have to find the new normal. I’m still llooking for it.

Some aspects of the old normal hung around. I’ve always been a morning person, and that is still true. I’ve not lost interest in my old hobbies of reading, gardening  and sewing. I still love Mexican food and margaritas. The inappropriate, immature things that I some people think aren’t funny, I still think are hilarious. Blue is still my favorite color. Penguins are still, obviously, the most awesome critters on the planet.

Some old normal is gone. I am often indecisive now, when before I made quick decisions, even sometimes quick to a fault. Now, sometimes I just can’t decide. Last yearr at Disney World, at the end of a long day, we were making our final shoppping venture so I could get a shirt. I carried the same 2 around the store for I don’t know how long, unable to decide. In truth, before I would have just bought both, and not bothered to choose. This time, even though I considered that, I just couldn’t commit. I knew what was happening. I knew I was struggling to decide,  and I knew that this was very unlike me, but still I stayed stuck. Stew actually had to help me decide, like it was some major life decision.

And now there are experiences that leave me asking, “Would I have responded this way before? Or is this new?” Occasionally, in the classroom, I catch myself wondering if I’m doing something right. My instincts just don’t kick in like they used to. Sometimes I can’t remember how to do something that I know I know how to do. Or, I can’t remember what a word means that I know I know. After a couple complicated interactions with parents (which I’ve never really experienced before) I had to really rework my approach to parent interactions.

Then there is parenthood. That throws a whole new enormous bag of wonderings into the mix. While still attempting to find my new normal for me as an individual, I now have to also figure out who I am as a mommy. Not sure when I’ll find either new normal. Each day is a challenge. There are no normal days.